Did I catch your attention with the title?
Ok, so what do I exactly mean by “don’t trust yourself?” What kind of question is that? Who would not trust themselves?? Well let me dig in a little more to let you know exactly what I mean.
So I just had an experience happen to me, I have been single for approximately 6 months now, and I LOVE IT! I have a sense of freedom that I haven’t had in a very long time. And although separating has it’s pros and cons, coming out an unhealthy relationship has been the best thing that has happened to me. I hear a lot of people say that they cannot be alone, but that is not the case for me, I don’t have a problem being alone, I am very independent, and selfish, and I don’t like people telling me what to do, and when you are with someone you have to be the exact opposite of what I described.
Beyoncé understands where I am coming from (Me, Myself, and I & Irreplaceable) have always been a couple of my favorite songs. But anyone who is/was married and/or have children know what I am talking about when I say “sometimes I just need some me time”. I think that this is a very healthy thing to feel, and if you are married, single, have kids or not, you still need to be able to balance yourself. There has to be time made for your significant other, your kids, your friends, and of course yourself. (I think I will write about this in a future post). Anyway back to what encouraged me to write this post. So like I said I have been single for 6 months now, and I truly believe that GOD have given me an opportunity to fulfill HIS PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE! I want to have full access to what HE has in store for me. You will hear me say all the time that GOD COMES FIRST, it says it clearly in HIS word, and that goes for EVERY PART OF OUR LIVES! If we take the time to listen to HIM we would probably not have to go through as many heartaches and disappointments.
So a few weeks ago we were having parent/teacher conferences at the kids school, (and I work at the afterschool program on the school campus), so outside of the classroom I can see parents waiting for their child’s teacher to be ready for their conference time. I had a quick phone call to take care of, but the kids were getting out of school, and it was a little loud in the classroom, so I had to walk out to take the call. As I was walking out I almost ran directly into this parent (who was waiting for the teacher across the hall), the guy CAUGHT MY ATTENTION BIG TIME!
I felt like a little kid all over again, I smiled and did the nod, and he did the same thing, and I had to walk away really quick otherwise I would have dropped the phone. I did not know that I could even have feelings like that again. It was so crazy, and shocking to me. I remember not being able to get him out of my mind for a good week! I had to sit down and take inventory on why a stranger had me feeling this way, what was it about him that made my 10 yr. old school girl mode come out? I had to take a second to reevaluate the situation. First of all I was VERY ATTRACTED TO HIM;
I realize that I am still a woman and have feelings. It may sound funny, but when you are in a relationship you are not looking at no one else (well you are not supposed to), anyway there was no one more attractive than my husband when I was married, no one could catch my eye! Ice-cube or Duane “The Rock” Johnson (my celebrity crushes) could come a speak to me, and I would not even flinch (well that may be taking it to far) LOL, anyway, now that I am single I feel like I have a new set of eyes, not that I am looking for it, but I am not blind, I notice an attractive guy when I see one.
The second reason why I feel like I may have felt this way is because he was there at a parent/teacher conference for his child (and he was by himself).
When I seen him I think of responsibility (because he is taking the time to come to see about his child), hey don’t judge me we all know that most of the time it’s moms, and if not then it would be mom and dad (and that comes to my other reason) is that he was by himself, (yes I know him being by himself doesn’t mean that he was a single dad, his wife could have had to work that day or couldn’t make it for some reason) who knows, but I think it was the image and what I cooked up in my head.
Now like I said don’t get all judgy and stuff, I will be able to explain the title of the post and what I believe GOD revealed to me in this particular situation:
I would love to be able to get married again. This is a desire that I believe that GOD have put in my heart. And I believe that I will, but there are ALOT of things that I need to work on within myself in order to be ready to take that step again, and I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NEXT TIME! Whatever relationship that I get into next I want it to be GOD who sends that person to me! I DO NOT , I REPEAT I DO NOT TRUST MYSELF!
Emotions lie! I don’t ever want to feel that way just by seeing someone! It’s an icky feeling when someone is always on your mind, it feels like they have some kind of control over you, but it’s actually you allowing it because of what you are allowing your emotions to take over. The fact that someone could take my attention like that and I don’t even know that person, is very dangerous, it can take me away from my purpose. It made me realize that when we get into the wrong relationships we can let it take over our lives, and it can be very distracting to what GOD has in store for me. I believe that I have been called to do so much, (I have a lot of work to do), and GOD did not “wake me up” from an unhealthy relationship to get into another one!
This is what I mean by “Don’t trust yourself”, trust GOD to make those decisions for you, trust HIM enough to walk in HIS WILL, Love yourself enough to give yourself a chance. I truly believe that GOD has my best interest at heart. He knows what’s best for me, and frankly I have not made the best choices when it comes to relationships and if anything I want to try something different. I don’t know exactly what GOD has in store for me and what my future husband is going to be like. I know that he has put certain things in my heart, revealing some things to me about what HE has in store for me. And part of me can’t wait and often wonder, but a bigger part of me can. In my head, I think that I would be ready to date in a couple of years, (there are so many things that I would love to do with myself, my kids, in my career, I want to travel…so much… (but I know from experience LIVING that GODS plan is always different from our own)
I don’t ever want to catch myself settling again, I have standards now!!LOL, that sounds really bad, but these are a few of the conclusions that have been revealed to me, in order to make sure that I stay on track. And I believe that I am in a season of preparation meaning that GOD is preparing me to be the woman that HE needs me to be for the man that HE is preparing for me, and vise versa. And honestly I am enjoying this time , there is a song by singer Tori Kelly called Dear No One
It’s about someone that loves their independence, and not having to worry about investing in someone else, but sometimes would love to have that soulmate, but can wait until GOD sends that person. And that’s exactly how I feel.
I would love to thank GOD for the wisdom that HE has trusted me with so that I am not practicing insanity (which is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results). I would like to thank HIM for loving me enough to take care of my mind and my heart. I would like to thank HIM for the season that I am in, and preparing me to be the woman that HE is calling me to be for myself, so that I can be the best mom for my kids, and the best significant other for my future.
Please take the time to evaluate your relationship (if you are in one), or even yourself, to make sure that you are being the best you that you can be!
Thank you for reading, I hope that you have been blessed by this post.
Always remember “Never get too comfortable, always put GOD first”