Step by Step

So I went out the other night, (In my post Loneliness, I told you guys how I went to a comedy club by myself), YES I said by MYSELF! I know, I know, most people NEED to have company to do things and go out, and yeah that is the case most of the time for me, (but to go to the movies or to a show (where you have to pay attention), it’s no biggy for me, I actually like it better that way so that I can enjoy the show, but for things like going out to dinner, I wouldn’t be able to do that, (not there yet) hahaha. But I think that it is important for us to take care of ourselves, so that we could be the best person that we can be for the people that we love. I think that it is important for us to be able to divide our time: meaning, make time for ourselves, spouses/significant other, children, friends, and there are many ways of making that happen:

  1.  Being Intentional– we have to be intentional in the way that we do things. Make a plan to do things, maybe start off with a list of things that you want to do, places you would like to go. What I did was look at my calendar, and started off with writing down days that are important to me (the kids birthdays, other family birthdays, events that I want to go to (even if it is months away), this is where the planning and organizing comes in. This will allow you to get a vision of the things you are wanting to, and you can start making plans on how you’re going to go to these places or do these activities.
  1. It’s important for you to have a list of your ideas. This way you can SEE exactly what you want, this will make it ALOT easier to see HOW you are going to follow through with the things that you have done. Take a look at your list, really evaluate it, circle the things that you REALLY want to do, and CAN DO, and GET TO PLANNING.
  • Plan– Now that you have your list of things that you would like to do and places that you would like to go, you can start PLANNING. Take a look at your list, can some things be flexible in time? Like for example I would like to take the kids to the zoo, (so that is on my list), so I researched the prices, and looked to see how much it would be for a family of 4, and upon researching I remembered that in October the kids are free at the San Diego Zoo, so now I only have to purchase one ticket, and I put on my calendar  the zoo for the month of October. Another thing, is that my youngest wants to go skating (she’s been asking me for awhile now), since it is something that she seems to be passionate about, I have it on my list, and I put it down on my calendar for her birthday, (so I researched how much it would be to have her birthday party there), and now I have to plan on saving, so that we can have her birthday party at the skating rink.
  •  Don’t forget to make sure that you are imputing time for yourself, the kids, your friends, etc. Not everything has to be expensive or pricey, do your research and I promise you, you will find things to do. Take a look at sites like “Eventbrite”, type in your city and see what happens, I have found a few events that I would like to go to on “Eventbrite” (they have many events that you could do with your family for free or of low cost). Doing something as small as planning to have coffee with a friend, going to have lunch (many places have something called “Taco Tuesday”, and they are usually dollar tacos that day)
What I am trying to do is to maintain a healthy lifestyle and that comes in a variety of ways. Let me tell you a few things that I have been doing, (it’s taken a lot of planning on my end), I am trying to make time to do something for myself, with the kids, and have a “chill” weekend. I have talked to them about this, and since I have been planning and researching I have been able to find events near me. So I went to my first event for myself for the month of January (BARACHA dancing)
And it was only $5.00, and very local, it was during the week (on a Thursday night), I tried to talk myself out of it a few times, but “what the hey”, my friend had been telling me about it for awhile, and instead of thinking too much into it, I made the choice and went. Thank you “A.G.”, it was so much fun that I am planning to go back again.
Another thing that I am doing, is turning off the television during the week. We have been doing that for a couple of months now, and although it was very difficult in the beginning, it is like second nature now. So I came up with an idea that each day (after homework, dinner, bathing) is all done, someone is going to be in charge of a “family game”, so between the 3 kids, and my sister everyday someone comes up with a game that we are going to play as a family (for 45 min), so far we have done just dance, truth or dare (you could look up kid questions and dares on- line), UNO, and heads up (you can get the app on your cell phone)
 DO IT!
The main thing that you should do is FOLLOW THOROUGH, FOLLOW THROUGH, FOLLOW THROUGH!! Give yourself a chance to follow through. I know if can be very difficult to do, but at least try it. You will never know unless you DO IT!!
So lets have a recap: What are some steps that we can take in order to make sure that we are making choices to start the foundation of taking care of ourselves:
BE INTENTIONAL
PLAN
DO IT
 You can do it! I believe in you, start small (hey while I am here trying to encourage you, these are the things that I am telling myself, and doing myself). So are you going to step up and give yourself a chance? YOU GOTS THIS!!
Always remember “Never get too comfortable, always put GOD first”
Sincerely,
Keisha

Season of preparation!

As a believer in Christ, I believe that our lives happen in seasons. Let me explain…everything that we are going through there is a reason for it. God PLANS!! And HE loves and invests in each of us, so that means that HE has a PLAN for all of our lives, and want to be apart of EVERYTHING! Every piece of our life: financial, physical, marriage, singleness, parenting, day to day decisions and events! HE says ALL THINGS, and in order for you to live the life that HE has set out for you, you are going to have to surrender to HIM and HIS word.  I have been a Christian for about 15ish years now, and although I believed in GOD, I did not take the time to really study HIS word, and hear the plans that HE has for my life. I honestly thought that believing in GOD was enough, that the pastor was the one that “heard” from HIM, that that going to church every Sunday was more than enough of a requirement. I would hear other people say that “GOD spoke to their hearts” or “GOD told them something”, or “GOD answered their prayers”, and I would honestly really didn’t know what they truly meant.  I seen those people that went to church on Sunday and bible study on Wednesday, and Prayer on Friday as super-Christians, I would just think like “heck no, it ain’t that serious”.

But I am so blessed to have been woken up! (you will see me use this term ALOT, because I honestly, from the bottom of my heart feel like I have been asleep most of my adult life). My mom is Belizean, and we grew up with Catholic traditions ( I have been baptized as a child, and went to receive my 1st communion), but when I got pregnant with my son a co-worker of mine invited me to go to church and my ex-mother-in-law exposed me to the word. And I will forever be grateful for this. I believe that GOD uses people, things, and situations in order to “get our attention” and bring us to HIM. When I would hear people say “keep your eyes on GOD”, I never really understood this until recently.

Let me go more into what I mean by “wake up”. My ex-husband and I were married for 8 years, but together on and off before that for 6 yrs. We had our son very early in the relationship, and because we were both so young and broken (in our own rights), our relationship was doomed from the beginning. I tend to think back from time to time and just try to highlight my relationship with my ex, and although we had so many blessings in our marriage (our children being the biggest), there were MORE challenges than anything, (honestly we were always struggling, if I believed in hexes and stuff, I would have honestly believed that someone put a curse on our relationship). I would always think “we are trying to do the right thing), after we had our son, we decided to get married, had 2 more kids, went to church (on and off), and we tried our very best to put the relationship first.

So there it is, that was the problem, and an huge problem at that! We were trying to do everything ourselves (Jesus was probably looking down on us like, “really?)

We STARTED our relationship with no foundation, CONTINUED it with no foundation, and it lead to detrimental consequences (FAILURE). But the good thing is that DIVORCE doesn’t define who I am as a person, and my life that GOD has planned for me. I truly believe that HE has “come to give us life, and give it more abundantly” John 10:10. That verse is a very popular, but I finally got it, when HE is saying that, it clearly means that HE has so much planned for us, if only we would walk in HIS will! If we take the time to seek HIS guidance HE  will show us HIS plan for our lives, and HIS plan is ALWAYS better than ours. In my marriage I (I can only speak for myself), was trying so hard to do everything right, and to “help” my husband and create this family that meets society’s standards, but I was not submitting to GOD! There was NO WAY that GOD intended for that much struggle in a marriage (or in any relationship). Yes I know that life is not all glitz and glamor, but there is NO WAY that a relationship is supposed to be unhealthy to that caliber. Lets look at the verse again HE has come to give us life and to give it more abundantly”. Sorry I love this verse, it always revives me!! Because anything that HE blesses us with will not have sorrow with it, it will not have struggle attached to it, Proverbs 10:22 “The blessing of the Lord brings wealth without painful toil for it.” BAM, THERE IT IS! See the GOD has it covered people!!

I still remember the verse that GOD revealed to me, that made me finally “woke me up”. Our relationship was starting to deteriorate, and I did not know what to do, I was too embarrassed to ask for advise from others because I had sacrificed so much for him and the relationship, I remember just crying and praying to GOD, and asking GOD “what now?”, I has backed up against the wall, so I opened my bible and started to read HIS word, and this is the verse that he led me to make the decision that I made to separate from my husband, and let me tell you what he revealed to me afterwards: Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnessed let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus”. I kept reading this over and over, and over and over, because I believe this was the very first time that I CLEARLY HEARD GOD! He was telling me that HE has so much planned for me, and so much for me to do, and that the life that I was living now was not what HE wanted for me! I needed to get rid of anyone and anything that would cause a distraction to my relationship to HIM. Yes I got all of that from that verse. I noticed that since I have dedicated my life to GOD, HE has been guiding me in ALL areas: it is not in HIS will for me to be struggling financially, physically, mentally, emotionally. Since I have made a declaration to submit myself to GOD, all of these things are falling into place (now don’t get me wrong it is HARD), but it is worth it, and I don’t want to ever be in a place of not seeking HIM AND HIS WORD AGAIN.

Here are some of the verses that I love and I believe that GOD spoke to/revealed some information to me about my life, and the plan HE has for me (this is not in any particular order):

1 Corinthians 10:23-24- “I have the right to do anything” you say- but not everything is beneficial- “I have the right to do anything”- but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

This is something that my ex always said to me “I am a grown man, I can do whatever I want”, so when this verse was revealed to me, I instantly thought about that problem we had, and “yes” he is a grown man and could do whatever he wants, but we need to seek HIM and just because we could do whatever we want doesn’t mean we should. I think that it takes a certain level of maturity as a man/woman to be able to have impulse control.

Philippians 1:3-6- Thanksgiving and Prayer- I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day till now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I have been wanting to do so much, I have a heart to work with/for children, and although I am blessed to be in the field that I have my degree in and have sought out, GOD has put it in my heart to want to do more, I knew HE was telling me something in this verse (but I didn’t know exactly what yet), and it is being revealed to me little by little. I am wanting to serve to the foster care community, and I am starting a self-esteem project for young girls/ladies.

1 Corinthians 9:24– The Need for Self-Discipline- Do you know that in a race ALL the runners run but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes to strict training. They do it to get the crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly, I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No I strike a blow into my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

I believe that this verse is telling me never to give up on what HE is calling me to do, and that it will be a fight/battle (within my own self, my flesh, my mind, and not to mention other people (haters), and the enemy of course.

Philippians 2:14- Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of GOD without fault in a wraped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.

I believe that this verse is telling me again, that whatever HE has called me to do, I need to do it without any complaints, if HE has put it in my heart to work with foster children, to write, to balance this thing called life, then I CAN DO IT! And without complaining.

Romans 5: 3-5- Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope.

With this verse I believe that he is letting me know that to get to where HE needs me to be, that abundant life that HE has promised me there will be heartbreak and disappointments, but with failure comes success, without my past, (me going through my divorce), I would not have the wisdom that I have now, so that next time (and yes I do plan on getting married again, but in a GOD-FEARING, HEALTHY relationship) I will KNOW to PUT GOD FIRST!

Hebrews 11:1– Faith is confidence in what we hope for an assurance about what we do not see

I think that this verse goes very well with the last verse, because it is talking about the meaning of Faith, and in the last verse it is saying that suffering produces hope, and in Hebrews it is telling me that Hope is part of the recipe for Faith, and without Faith it is impossible to please GOD,  I believe that we need to go through something to get to where we need to get. Like I said for the other verse I believe that me being married to the person I was married to showed me ALOT, including how much I need GOD, and with his guidance he is showing me how to take better care of myself (my heart), and preparing me for the next relationship.

These are just a few verses, I have so much more that I will be talking about in later posts, there are stories in the bible that I would love to share my insight on my versions of things. I can’t wait!!

 

I believe that I am in a season of preparation, (preparing for what you ask?) GOD is preparing me for what HE has in store for me, HE is revealing to me little by little what HE is wanting me to do, how he wants me do it, and allowing things doors to be opened up for me to get these things done. How HE is doing this is revealing to me what I need to work on, (and there is so much), I am being prepared for greater things in my life. And I am learning how to enjoy it also, I don’t want to get so caught up in my promises that I don’t enjoy my season. (This will be another post sometime soon too). Please stay tuned.

Are there any verses that have spoken to you? Did you act upon it? Please share!! I hope that you enjoyed this post.

Always remember “Never get too comfortable, always put GOD first”

Sincerely,

Keisha

 

 

Slumping Wars

So I have been in a slump for a few days now, and IT DOSEN’T FEEL GOOD!

Wait let me explain what I mean by slump. Slumpy to me means when you feel defeated, lonely, confused and many more nasty feelings, that you NEVER want to feel. There were some things that contributed to this, and I am getting to know myself ALOT better than I used to. I am learning how to pay attention to these things,(because if we do not pay attention to these things, it could lead us to depression, promiscuity, drugs…so forth) 1st because I AM A CHILD OF GOD, and it says in HIS WORD (yes), you will always here me say this “HE came to give us life and give it more abundantly”. So if I am feeling like this then it is NOT from GOD! Let’s dig in more to the text. Living life more abundantly is not only what it says, in John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly. So this scripture is telling us that the enemy is real, he is out there to manipulate us through stealing our joy, killing our dreams, and destroying out hope! This may not sound real, or you may feel like this does not pertain to you, or that I may be tripping, but think about it: It all starts with our mind, how we think of ourselves, and how we approach things. Everyday you have choices to  make, a choice to go to work (or not go to work) a choice on eating healthy( or not eating healthy), a choice on what type of attitude you will have. IT IS OUR CHOICE!! If you wake up and not have any ambition for the day,  or let a bad mood have the best of you, then it can ruin you day, and mess with your mind. Let me give you an example: Say you get up in the morning and woke up late, but not only that but today is a really big day at work, so it really doesn’t help that you woke up late because now you are not really prepared…now you can either make this ruin your whole day, or you can hurry up, get ready and do your thing!! Let me give you another example, say you took a test at school but you felt pretty good about it, but you get your grade the next day, and it is not the grade that you were expecting. You can either let this make or break your day. THE WAY THAT YOU REACT OR TAKE IT IS A CHOICE!  And take into consideration that if you choose to make it break your day, you are affecting other people along your path. If you have a negative attitude because of something that happened to you, your are more than likely to have a short temper with your kids, your spouse or significant other, your co-workers, your siblings, or your friends. The way that you handle situations can be very detrimental to your relationships that you have in your life. Now it is IMPOSSIBLE to expect anyone to be happy or in a good mood everyday, but just because we may not be in a good mood does not give us the right to take it out on other people.

When I am in a “slump” I am not at my best! I am not giving my all to my children (who are dependent upon me), heck I am not giving my ALL to myself!!

Here are a few reasons why I feel like I was in a slump: I took a few days off of work, and I didn’t have anything planned, I had in my mind that I was going to do one of those “stay-casions”, meaning I was gonna stay at home, and just get some rest and do nothing. I had things that I planned on doing, but I got really lazy and did not accomplish those things. (which is cool on one hand, but on the other hand it leaves for an idle mind).

I had been surfing through social media, sleeping, eating, running a few errands here and there, and starting the same cycle over! This is totally the opposite of my routine, I am constantly doing something, being a parent I am busy with my son’s basketball games, the kids school functions, and projects, I am a supervisor so there is always something work related to do, I exercise on at least 2 days out of the week (don’t judge that’s ALOT for me), but I have made it my business to be more social (if you ready any of my last posts you know that back in the day I was not living my life to the fullest), so having nothing to do is completely the opposite of what I am trying to accomplish. Like I said, I know that sometimes it is good to take a break from all of the craziness that life has to offer, but I think too much of it, or if you do not know how to spend your “free time” it could control you.

Now what got me out of this “slump” was an event that I went to. Well it wasn’t really an event, one of my good friends (we will call her E) invited a few of her friends over to just hang out, eat some good food, play some games, and just enjoy each other’s company. TO PUT IT MILDLY I HAD A BLAST!!!

The event started at 1:00 and unfortunately I was late, ( that’s something I need to work on) sorry “E”

But lets move on!

Before we started digging in, and eating, “E” sat us all down, and spoke to the group. But this was not any ordinary speech, she took the time to let each and everyone of us know HOW we are playing a part in her life, how each one of us has made an impact on her, and how our role in her life. I KNOW RIGHT!!! It was very EMOTIONAL, and COOL!!

SHE WENT THROUGH EACH AND EVERY FRIEND (IT WAS 6 OF US). But it was completely genuine and from her heart, EACH and EVERY ONE of  US played a very different and crucial part of her life. She is a WONDERFUL person, friend, mom! She is a woman that has such a GREAT HEART, and she has taught me so much, on how to be a great friend, and I love her so much. Even though “E” was telling us how we impacted her, I just started to think how much of an inspiration she was in my life, and how she has impacted me. It just goes to show that GOD places people in our lives, (this is how you know), if you can make an impact in someone’s life just by being yourself then you know the friendship is divine! So just like I have made an impact in her life, she has made an impact in mine. Through our friendship she has shown me so much about myself, but one thing that she has taught me is how to be patient, and to take the time to think of others (intentionally), to care what others think (in a healthy way), and how to be a friend.

 

As the afternoon progressed, we (a group of women), ate, talked, and talked and ate

You know how us women do it. As we were talking about so many different topics from light subjects such as our favorite restaurants, to more heavy subjects like how are family life has impacted us, it was all in good taste, it gave us a moment to get to know each other, to not judge each other, to get different perspectives (intelligent perspectives), and to listen to everyone’s journey and their visions and passions!!! I got to understand why it is so important to have friends, and influential people in our lives. And not just any friends! And I don’t mean influential like rich people or people of power, but people who have the same vision as you, people who are goal oriented, who have things going on for themselves! Have you ever heard the expression

I truly believe in this quote. I see how important it is to have positive influences in your life. Just hanging out with these ladies brought out my inner superwoman! It made me get out of my slump! It snapped me back to reality!! It is so cool to see other women like myself, have stories, have love, have doubts, have questions!! It’s so good to see that I am not the only one struggling sometimes with life! It was AWESOME!

So that is why and how I got out of my slump! I have come to understand that it will happen every once in awhile, but it is up to me in how I handle it. It is important on who I surround myself with, it’s actually more than important, it’s detrimental to my health!

I want to ask you a question? Are you giving your all to yourself? It’s ok to have a bad day, or a “slumpy day”, but put it in GOD’S hand, remember when you feel start feeling like that, it is the enemy trying to lie to you and mess with your head. Give yourself a chance, an opportunity to be your best self, people are counting on you!

P.S. Thank you “E” for the inspiration

Always remember “Never get too comfortable always put GOD first”

Sincerely,

Keisha

DON’T TRUST YOURSELF!!!

Did I catch your attention with the title?

Ok, so what do I exactly mean by “don’t trust yourself?” What kind of question is that? Who would not trust themselves?? Well let me dig in a little more to let you know exactly what I mean.

So I just had an experience happen to me, I have been single for approximately 6 months now, and I LOVE IT! I have a sense of freedom that I haven’t had in a very long time. And although separating has it’s pros and cons, coming out an unhealthy relationship has been the best thing that has happened to me. I hear a lot of people say that they cannot be alone, but that is not the case for me, I don’t have a problem being alone, I am very independent, and selfish, and I don’t like people telling me what to do, and when you are with someone you have to be the exact opposite of what I described.

Beyoncé understands where I am coming from (Me, Myself, and I & Irreplaceable) have always been a couple of my favorite songs. But anyone who is/was married and/or have children know what I am talking about when I say “sometimes I just need some me time”. I think that this is a very healthy thing to feel, and if you are married, single, have kids or not, you still need to be able to balance yourself. There has to be time made for your significant other, your kids, your friends, and of course yourself.  (I think I will write about this in a future post). Anyway back to what encouraged me to write this post. So like I said I have been single for 6 months now, and I truly believe that GOD have given me an opportunity to fulfill HIS PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE! I want to have full access to what HE has in store for me. You will hear me say all the time that GOD COMES FIRST, it says it clearly in HIS word, and that goes for EVERY PART OF OUR LIVES! If we take the time to listen to HIM we would probably not have to go through as many heartaches and disappointments.

So a few weeks ago we were having parent/teacher conferences at the kids school, (and I work at the afterschool program on the school campus), so outside of the classroom I can see parents waiting for their child’s teacher to be ready for their conference time. I had a quick phone call to take care of, but the kids were getting out of school, and it was a little loud in the classroom, so I had to walk out to take the call. As I was walking out I almost ran directly into this parent (who was waiting for the teacher across the hall), the guy CAUGHT MY ATTENTION BIG TIME!

I felt like a little kid all over again, I smiled and did the nod, and he did the same thing, and I had to walk away really quick otherwise I would have dropped the phone. I did not know that I could even have feelings like that again. It was so crazy, and shocking to me. I remember not being able to get him out of my mind for a good week! I had to sit down and take inventory on why a stranger had me feeling this way, what was it about him that made my 10 yr. old school girl mode come out? I had to take a second to reevaluate the situation. First of all I was VERY ATTRACTED TO HIM;

I realize that I am still a woman and have feelings. It may sound funny, but when you are in a relationship you are not looking at no one else (well you are not supposed to), anyway there was no one more attractive than my husband when I was married, no one could catch my eye! Ice-cube or Duane “The Rock” Johnson (my celebrity crushes) could come a speak to me, and I would not even flinch (well that may be taking it to far) LOL, anyway, now that I am single I feel like I have a new set of eyes, not that I am looking for it, but I am not blind, I notice an attractive guy when I see one.

The second reason why I feel like I may have felt this way is because he was there at a parent/teacher conference for his child (and he was by himself).

When I seen him I think of responsibility (because he is taking the time to come to see about his child), hey don’t judge me we all know that most of the time it’s moms, and if not then it would be mom and dad (and that comes to my other reason) is that he was by himself, (yes I know him being by himself doesn’t mean that he was a single dad, his wife could have had to work that day or couldn’t make it for some reason) who knows, but I think it was the image and what I cooked up in my head.

Now like I said don’t get all judgy and stuff, I will be able to explain the title of the post and what I believe GOD revealed to me in this particular situation:

I would love to be able to get married again. This is a desire that I believe that GOD have put in my heart. And I believe that I will, but there are ALOT of things that I need to work on within myself in order to be ready to take that step again, and I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NEXT TIME! Whatever relationship that I get into next I want it to be GOD who sends that person to me! I DO NOT , I REPEAT I DO NOT TRUST MYSELF!

Emotions lie! I don’t ever want to feel that way just by seeing someone! It’s an icky feeling when someone is always on your mind, it feels like they have some kind of control over you, but it’s actually you allowing it because of what you are allowing your emotions to take over. The fact that someone could take my attention like that and I don’t even know that person, is very dangerous, it can take me  away from my purpose. It made me realize that when we get into the wrong relationships we can let it take over our lives, and it can be very distracting to what GOD has in store for me. I believe that I have been called to do so much, (I have a lot of work to do), and GOD did not “wake me up” from an unhealthy relationship to get into another one!

This is what I mean by “Don’t trust yourself”, trust GOD to make those decisions for you, trust HIM enough to walk in HIS WILL, Love yourself enough to give yourself a chance. I truly believe that GOD has my best interest at heart. He knows what’s best for me, and frankly I have not made the best choices when it comes to relationships and if anything I want to try something different. I don’t know exactly what GOD has in store for me and what my future husband is going to be like. I know that he has put certain things in my heart, revealing some things to me about what HE has in store for me. And part of me can’t wait and often wonder, but a bigger part of me can. In my head, I think that I would be ready to date in a couple of years, (there are so many things that I would love to do with myself, my kids, in my career, I want to travel…so much… (but I know from experience LIVING that GODS plan is always different from our own)

I don’t ever want to catch myself settling again, I have standards now!!LOL, that sounds really bad, but these are a few of the conclusions that have been revealed to me, in order to make sure that I stay on track. And I believe that I am in a season of preparation meaning that GOD is preparing me to be the woman that HE needs me to be for the man that HE is preparing for me, and vise versa. And honestly I am enjoying this time , there is a song by singer Tori Kelly called Dear No One

It’s about someone that loves their independence, and not having to worry about investing in someone else, but sometimes would love to have that soulmate, but can wait until GOD sends that person. And that’s exactly how I feel.

I would love to thank GOD for the wisdom that HE has trusted me with so that I am not practicing insanity (which is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results). I would like to thank HIM for loving me enough to take care of my mind and my heart. I would like to thank HIM for the season that I am in, and preparing me to be the woman that HE is calling me to be for myself, so that I can be the best mom for my kids, and the best significant other for my future.

Please take the time to evaluate your relationship (if you are in one), or even yourself, to make sure that you are being the best you that you can be!

Thank you for reading, I hope that you have been blessed by this post.

Always remember “Never get too comfortable, always put GOD first”

Sincerely,

Keisha

2015 Freedom; 2016 GO GET IT!

I can just leave the title by itself and I think that it says volumes! To me anyway!! But let me tell you what it means to me: As I have been browsing on Instagram a few people put up a post asking “if you could sum up the year 2015 in just one word, what would it be?? And the first thing that came to my mind is FREEDOM!!

This word means a lot to me right now. I know it sounds a little absurd, and exaggerated but I honestly truly feel this way. The choices that I made and the people that I surrounded myself with was not the wisest or the healthiest. When I say that I automatically think of gangbangers, or drug addicts, or prisoners, because their poor choices are obvious. But it’s not only that, you can be the smartest person in the world but if you surround yourself with the wrong people and have the wrong mindset then you are doomed. Doomed  to not live your life to the fullest. It becomes easy to live a comfortable life, and not take risks, and WHO WANTS TO LIVE THAT WAY??

Let me explain further… I pride myself on being responsible, trustworthy, honest, and being a hard worker! I LOVE to work, going to school (when I was in school), I know! Nerdy huh?

Well guess what I EMBRASE my NERDINESS! If being responsible is nerdy then I’m all in. (I got made fun of all my life for it, and I am finally admitting to it) HAHAHA!! Not that I needed to! Anyway enough about that. Even though I was doing my responsible adult things, I wanted to do so much but I was so drained, and tired all of the time, I had no energy, but since I have made some changes in my life, I DECIDED to make some time for the things that I want to do. Here are a few things that I would like to do, or rediscover:

Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE BOOKS, I LOVE TO READ!

When I was younger I would read books like crazy, atleast 1 new book every 2 weeks or so, but as life got a little busier, it became increasingly hard to commit to reading the book. So I told myself that one of my goals is to read a new book monthly. Yes I said monthly, I gotta keep it real here! And it seriously takes me that long, (not because I am a slow reader, but because of the spare time I have it’s almost at zero). But I am going to MAKE TIME!

I know this is a crazy one, but I have always wanted to dance, like a choreographed dance, like when I was younger I would love to watch Michael Jackson dance, and imagine I was apart of the dance team (hahaha), and I would BEG my mom to put me in drill team, (she wouldn’t let me) hater! I am so serious though. I am one of those people who takes Just Dance to the next LEVEL, I love the game, and when I am playing it, I go into another zone!! So recently I looked into taking a hip-hop class at the local community college. If I have a dance rehearsal would you come?? LOL

Another thing I have been wanting to do for a couple of years now, is to take 2 classes that I needed to upgrade on my California Child Development Permit, and guess what? (I did that this year, and I got a B in both classes), I wasn’t cool with the B at first, (because I am an overachiever), but my friends were excited for me, and shocked that I got that grade, because they were asking how did I even have the time to take those classes? But I did it!!

I have been wanting to take a Public Speaking class, so that is my next goal.

Well along with reading I love to write, and that is one of the reasons I started a blog, because I would like start practicing my craft again. I have so much to write about it’s not even funny! Having the blog is a way for me to stay accountable to myself, and get used to writing all over again.

I have so much other things that I want to do, I wouldn’t really call them resolutions, but more like goals. I will be talking about those more in future posts, but now for 2016 my saying is going to be “GO GET IT”, I was inspired by the Mary Mary song:

I am going to GET WHATS MINE IN 2016!

 

I encourage you to take an art class you always wanted to take, go hiking to get breath of fresh air, make time to go out by yourself on a consistent basis, try on that new lip color that you’ve been eyeing! Do something that you’ve always wanted to do. Invest in yourself! This is a time for resolutions, but come up with some goals for 2016, and MAKE them come to life!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Remember “Never get too comfortable always put GOD first”

Sincerely,

Keisha

 

Having the Courage/Opportunity to Forgive

I have been a journey of self discovery! I know, I know, if you’re anything like me you give people the side eye if you hear these words “I’m going to find myself”

Hmmm…come to think about it, I’ve never actually heard anyone say that other than the movies, but that is what I imagine I would look like if I heard someone say that LOL. But seriously when people are going through major transitions in life that is what I think of, because we constantly changing, we are not who we were at 16 or at 21 or at 25 or even at 30 and I am sure I will not be the same person that I am when I turn 35. Not only in the world, but your day to day, that is a huge part of human nature, and I truly believe (not only because I am a believer in Christ and it says it in HIS word, but I am a Human Development Major, and that is what I studied while I was in college), but we are naturally meant to want to have the desire to grow and change, and if you do not have that desire then something may be genetically off (don’t quote me on this, it’s just from my knowledge and experience and OPINION). Let me give you a few examples: When a baby is born they are totally dependent on the mother and father, but as they start to get older they are constantly being checked on how they are developing, they are expected to learn how to crawl, walk, say words, now sentences, learn to use the potty (they are going to the doctor every month to see how they are developing and growing); another example; when you start school you start with kindergarten (elementary) school, then middle school, then high school, then college, you are expected to learn certain material while you are in each level, and are tested on what you know so that you are able to move on to the next level; another example; when you start a job, you more than likely start in an entry level position, this is until you learn new aspects that go with the job, and are given responsibility in order to grow into your position or grow to be in a higher level position (if you are in the same place and you do not have the opportunity to grow, then that is probably not the job for you) just a piece of advise (that was free) LOL.  Anyway as you can see we are expected to grow in this life that we have been given, it is just natural. Why am I talking about this you ask?

Well as I have mentioned before I am going through a divorce. I was not sure if I wanted to share any of this information because I don’t want to be one of those women who are constantly talking about their exes or talking about the past. While that is not in my nature to act like that , I don’t want to get caught up in gossiping about the past. I would just like to be able to move on gracefully, but as we all know life is unpredictable. I feel like GOD is guiding me to share my story, and when I ask HIM “why”, I honestly believe that it will help someone, and if it helps ATLEAST ONE person to have the courage to stand up for what they believe in, and to take a cold hard look at themselves to realize that life is not supposed to be lived in mediocracy, then my purpose would have been served! If you are reading this and you know someone that may be going through a rough time, please share this post with them.

Ok, so I filed for divorce in May of this year (2015), and since I have filed it has been a rollercoaster of emotions (ranging from relief, to guilt, to fear, to confusion), it was not a decision that I made overnight, and it has been one of the toughest decision that I have had to make during my adult life.

First let me give you a little background of me and my ex-husband. I met him when I was 19 yrs old, and I remember how physically attracted I was to him, and when he asked me for my number I was so excited that obviously he was attracted to me also. I was going to college and he was a thug (don’t ask me why I was into a thug, but I just was ok, don’t judge me)LOL…no seriously, I was always attracted to the bad boy, and I think it was because I was such a goody goody, I was always the friend that didn’t want to do anything that would get us in too much trouble because I thought about the consequences of everything and would take the fun out of it (I am still kinda like that to this day) and I think about the worst possible scenario, and it would freak me out, so I was and is still not too much of a risk taker. Anyway so I think that is why I was attracted to bad boys aka thugs. I felt like they were brave, they were adventurous (it sounds really goofy now, but this is what I actually thought). So when I met my husband, he fell in that description, and at first I honestly was not looking for a long term relationship, (I was only 19 for goodness sake, and I don’t think he was looking for that either), but I got pregnant and that changed the course of life!

With the event of this news happening, it obviously changed to course of both of our lives. When you bring someone into this world it becomes all about that child. You start to view the world in a different way because you are going to be responsible for the well being of someone else, you start to think about all of the things that your parents have taught you, and try to either pass those things along or not pass it along. Your start to realize how tough the world is and want your little one to not have to go through the heartaches of what the world has to offer, in other words you grow up really quick (or supposed to anyway).

Ok, so now we went from having fun, to having RESPONSIBILITY! Of course my mom was not happy because I was too young, and was going to college, and his parents were not happy because he surely wasn’t ready, and his lifestyle did not call to take care of a child. So that is when I first shift in our lives happened. When I found out I was about to have a baby everything in my world changed, I wanted to work harder to make sure that my kid wanted for nothing, and to prove to my family that I could do it. So inevitably we split up, we had the on again off again relationship from the time my son was born until he was about 4 yrs old. That is when I felt like I seen a change in him, and I was ready to try to work it out. I’ve always been independent so I had my own place, my own car, I was working 2 jobs and going to school (really hustling for my goals for my son and myself),  had a couple of relationships that did not work out, so I thought that it was fate that brought us back together. We got back together and after 1 yr of  being together, we decided to get married, (the church was holding a commitment ceremony, to encourage couples that were staying together to get married, or if you were already married and wanted to renew your vows then they would pay for it all you had to do was sign up and show up) so I seen this as an opportunity for us to do things “the right way”. So we went for it!

My mother-in-law was Christian and I had a friend at work who had been inviting me to church during my whole pregnancy.  I believe this is the catalyst that planted the seed to me becoming a believer in Christ. So I had been exposed to the word, my mother-in-law would encourage me to read the bible, and ask any questions that I may have pertaining to the word. And a little after my son was born that is when I became knowledgeable in the surface understanding of the Lord. Meaning I read a few of the books (the popular ones (Genesis, Matthew), and understood what sinning was, and was convicted many times with things that I would do, or say, but I did not take the time to live out GOD’S plan for my life. So I knew of GOD and knew that HE loved me, and died on the cross for my sins, but I didn’t take it beyond that, I didn’t really take the time to get to KNOW HIS WORD and get to KNOW HIM and HIS EXPECTATIONS OF ME.  Ok so we got married and had 2 more kids (2 girls), and although our life was not ideal, I thought that we were doing our best, and we will be  blessed later with the life that we were working towards. When we first got married like I said I had my own apartment (on Sec 8 aka government assistance), I was working 2 jobs and trying to finish school to get my Bachelors Degree. While I was out there doing these things he turned into a stay at home dad (I honestly think this was a big part of the problem). But things were getting accomplished, I graduated, we got an opportunity to move out of an apartment into a house in another city, I added up the income I was making from both of my jobs and sought out a job that would pay the same amount of both of the jobs together, and I successfully found one! Life was looking good!

While these were great milestones in our lives, the day to day was EXTREMELY HARD. He was a stay at home dad, while I was the breadwinner, we were both on our own mission I believe. So the kids are growing up, and I am growing in my field, I decided to buy a house ( mind you we lived an hour away from where I work, but it was well worth it for me). So we were blessed with the opportunity to get out of Sec 8 and become homeowners. Our relationship was declining, and 1 year into moving into the house, I noticed that he was acting different. He was staying up all hours of the night, he was disappearing randomly, he was having questionable friends visit the house. (Now remember he was watching the kids while I was at work), so I got to the point that I could not trust him so I had to pay my sister to watch the kids while I was working, because I didn’t know what was going on. At first I thought that he was cheating, but one day while he was gone, I made it my business to look through his things, and I found paraphernalia. I was shocked and confused. But it all made sense!! I got in touch with his family and staged an intervention, we gave him the ultimatum of getting clean or he will lose his family (thankfully he decided to go and get clean). I thought that was the end of that, he would get clean and we would be able to restore our marriage. He did get clean, we decided to move to closer to where I was working, and to give him a fresh start after completing his program.

When we moved I had a friend who let us stay at her home that was being unoccupied for really low rent, I encouraged my mom to move into our house (that is the only person I trust with the house), not even a month of moving, he got a job! The kids were all settled and able to get into the school that we wanted and we were able to start saving up for a place of our own in the time span that we had set out for ourselves (we wanted to be out of the house in 6 months), and we actually did it in 3 months with both of us working! It was heaven!! We were finally BOTH working, kids were in school, had our own place that BOTH of us were contributing to, it was so smooth, I finally got to breath a little.

But after 1 year of him working I started to notice some of the tendencies that he was displaying before, (like he would get off at 2:30, and was usually home by 3:15 but he was starting to randomly come home at later times, it would start with 5:00 or even 8:00p.m, and when I would ask him, he would say he was hanging out with his friends). Like I said this was not happening all the time but it happened enough! The last and final straw was when he left for work on a Friday and did not come home until Monday morning!! Yes I said Monday morning, he came home took a shower got dressed and went to work). Crazy huh??

I remember thinking “I am not going through this again”. I called my sister-in-law and she told me to talk to him, and let him know my boundaries (and she is someone that has been through something like this so I value her opinion).  So I tried to talk to him, I actually pleaded with him to stop whatever he was doing and we would forget about this little phase he was going through. He didn’t want anything to do with it, he actually told me “ok”, while he was getting ready to go out). I was FED UP! But I still couldn’t “give up”. One day I finally decided to read my bible (now I have read stories from the bible before, and have been intrigued with some of the stories), but this time I was READING IT TO GET ANSWERS! I wanted to hear from GOD, I NEEDED TO HEAR FROM GOD. I had no one else to turn to, so I remember asking GOD to direct me, I wanted to open up the bible and have instant answers, but it didn’t work out that way. (Well I didn’t get answers instantly, but HE did show me some revelation through HIS word, and I did not understand it to it’s fullest extent then, but it changed my life (literally), GOD took me to Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus”, this verse stood out for me, and I remember reading it to his mom when I told her what was going on, and I remember reading it to him. And even then I didn’t know to the full extent of what GOD was revealing to me at the time, now I clearly see what HE was telling me in this scripture. GOD was letting me know that HE has so much in store for me and my life, and in order for me to life the prosperous life that HE has planned for me I need to get rid of what is hindering me or what may be causing me to not live up to my potential. You see I am a natural go-getter, a overachiever, I have a natural desire to work hard for what I want in life.

And I have come to realize that GOD has put desires into my heart and if I seek HIM and put HIM first, then I am allowing HIM to work in my life, and bless me in ways that I can only dream of, (but I have to PUT HIM FIRST, SO HE can guide me to what HE is calling me to do). GOD was reminding me that HE loves me, and HE wants me to continue to fight the good fight and to not give up on HIS promises HE has for me. But in order to do that I have to let go of people/relationships/things, that are not apart of that plan. (Yes I got all of that from that verse).

When I am looking back at everything it seems like a few days, but all of this happened in a matter of months. (Actually years if you really think about it), but I also had to ask myself “is this how I want to live for the rest of my life? Always worrying about what this person was up to? If he’s going to make the right decision to come home? Is he going to continue to pick this lifestyle over his family?” There was a million questions going through my head, and all I kept thinking was “this cannot be it! It has to be more to life (marriage) than this”. So when I told him what GOD had told me, he didn’t believe it, and thought that I was crazy. I was very calm (this was unusual because usually I would be yelling at him angrily and making threats of leaving), but I was totally calm, it was frightening. But I was at peace with my decision, and told him that I believe that our marriage has run it’s course. That I believe that we have accomplished some things in our marriage (our 3 beautiful kids), but we bring our the worst in each other, that I honestly believe that we were put in each others lives in order to prepare for what GOD has in store for us, and that our relationship maybe a preparation for our future relationships (not with each other). Sad to hear and speak to someone about, but I truly believe this.

So I officially filed in May (did the paperwork by myself), and was supposed to be officially divorced on November 24th I believe it was (I mentioned in a one of my very firsts posts), but the paperwork has been rejected 3 times (which every time I receive the paperwork in the mail I would get extremely upset)

But this last time that it came back it didn’t get the best of me, ( I was talking to a friend about this and how it made me feel when I get the paperwork back, and she had one question for me, “have you forgiven yourself?”) That question had me stop and think for a moment, and ponder on what GOD is trying to show me through this situation. Things are not always revealed to us instantly, but if we pay attention we can definitely be guided. So I got the paperwork back in the mail, and have to go take the class that will help me fill out the paperwork correctly so that my divorce can be finalized, but something happened today that have made me realize why it has not been finalized yet.

So I haven’t spoken to my ex in awhile and have not allowed him to talk to the kids because I am not going to have my kids exposed to that kind of lifestyle, so until he gets himself together, or atleast take the steps necessary to get help, then we can make some arrangements. Anyway so it has been a good month since I have heard anything from him, but we went to go visit family for the holidays, and just as we were getting ready to leave, guess who shows up?

My first reaction was anger (I was upset with the fact that he was just popping up, if you know me, you know that I hate surprises). But I had my son with me and he was excited to see his dad, and to see my son happy to see him, made me put my guard down a little, I let the girls come out the house and see their dad, and their excitement was priceless. It was really emotional actually! I honestly didn’t expect to feel emotional, but it was sad to see him looking the way he did. If you don’t know him, you wouldn’t see anything wrong with the way he looked, but to me I could totally tell he was not healthy. After they hung out for a few, I asked him if I could speak with him privately. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to say, but I did know that GOD was giving me this opportunity to release some emotional baggage, and even though I have forgiven my ex ( I will write about what that relationship taught me in a future post), I had not totally forgiven myself, and this was the day to do it! When we spoke, it was not me speaking, it was GOD speaking through me, and how I know is because it was all words of encouragement. I don’t hate my ex, I was extremely disappointed with his actions. I was disappointed with me also, being a woman that did not love herself enough to put up with the things that I was putting up with from him, to not value myself enough to have standards and settle for the first man that shows interest. I told him to have the strength and the COURAGE TO GIVE IT TO GOD! To make the first step needed so that he can be the man that GOD has called him to be, to STOP letting the demons win! That he is a conqueror (it says it in the bible that we are more than conquerors: Romans 8:31). That he has succeeded before, and maybe the purpose of that was for GOD to give him a glimpse of the greatness he has planned for him. I was able to pray with and for him (we had never done this in our marriage). After I was done speaking with him, it was then that I realized why the divorce had not went through yet, I still had work to do regarding this situation, and until I was TOTALLY FREE from the burdens that came along with it, the door could not be closed so that the new door HE has for me could be fully opened.

I pray for my ex everyday, I pray for my kids, I pray for my past, present, and my future, I pray that I am being an example to my family, and that I am being led BY GOD in my journey. He has put so much on my heart, and has been revealing to me little by little what HE has in store for me.

I LOVE to read and write it is my creative outlet. Although I have been able to share my story the best way  I know how, I  would not have had the courage to write about this a few months ago, (I would be lying if I said I still didn’t get a little emotional), but in Philippians 1:20 it says “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage, so that now as always Christ will be exhaulted in my body”. I believe that GOD is telling me not to be ashamed of my story that this is my testimony, and if it helps atleast ONE person then I have made progress.

As I expressed earlier in this post I hope and pray that someone (if it’s just one person) is blessed my story. I want you to know that GOD is with you, when you’re feeling confused, or alone HE IS THERE. Give yourself a chance at life, it says in his word “he have come to give us life and to give it more abundantly”, it is not of GOD if you are not living your life to the fullest.

I hope that you have been blessed by this post and always remember “Never get too comfortable always put GOD first”

 

Sincerely,

Keisha